AN AUTOJUMBLE is a very distinct, sensory experience: Your eyes are usually filled with roaming crowds hunting and picking at dozens of stands, like jackals jockeying for position on a carcass in the Serengeti.

Ears register the typical general hubbub of a large body of people in close proximity, but in addition to this there is the odd clang, thunk and chime of metal as goods are handled and examined. All of which is backed up by the constant if gentle thrum of a distant petrol generator or two.

Even the smell is pretty unique because as well as pong of frying onions and unidentifiable meat products – the autojumble has its own very special odour – a combination of damp earthy sod, grease and stale oil… It’s enough to make you just want to get on in there.

Although my diary had repeatedly confounded my previous attempts to attend the Beaulieu Autojumble, this year, I won the battle and made it. A hardened veteran of similar but lower-fat affairs, I wasn’t expecting to be overly impressed – but no sooner had I strolled through the gates than I was hit squarely between the blinkers.

Ruddy hell! Beaulieu isn’t just big, it’s Hollywood blockbuster big – it’s a retro epic – because as far as the eye can see, your field of vision is packed with lovely magnificent delicious ’jumble. It’s so impressive, you almost wonder if computer visual-effects wizards have been fiddling with reality. It’s massive.

After standing there for a while completely petrified, I gather up my shattered composure, take a deep breath, mutter tally-ho and venture into the throng. The original plan was to report on this long-established event in a highly professional and objective manner, but then I bumped into old chums Mark Swingler and his better half, Rachel…

The 2008 Beaulieu International Autojumble claimed the most stand bookings ever, with over 2000 stands helping to maintain the event’s status as the largest of its type outside the USA. On Saturday, Bonham’s also helped boost the event with a car and automobilia sale, which was held just around the corner from the Automart car sales section. Already I could hear my wallet beginning to whimper…

There were all sorts of classic and retro machinery to tempt you – from an Austin FX4 cab and MkI Transit to one of just 11 Andy Saunders-built Lancia Stratos Prototipo replicas. It’s amazing to think that despite being conjured up in 1970, this Bertone designed slice of the future still hasn’t lost any of its power to stun and amaze. No wonder Saunders enjoys the high esteem he does, because this is one impressive recreation.

Beyond the Automart section, you get into the autojumble proper and the depth and breadth of stuff available is breathtaking: tyres, bikes, radial aero engines, leather helmets, enamel signs. Where else would you be able to stumble across an ugly runt of a microcar – a 1974 Mini Countess – one minute and then a big and beautiful 1918 Curtis OX5 8-litre 8-cylinder aero engine the next? Its olde worlde power output of 90hp at 1200rpm was thoroughly beaten by the craftsmanship that went into its construction.

Looking for a 1903 Darracq engine? Well you’d be in luck. Fancy something old school and two-wheeled? Take your pick from a knackered 1914 Indian motorcycle frame to a line up of magnifique Velo Solex bikes. Although it had to be said, that as someone with a very real loathing of Harley-Davidsons, a chance encounter with a fantastic old rusty racer really did do unnatural things to me…

Also, there were quite a few places where you could get a refreshing drop of loveliness and unfortunately, my air of hard-nosed journalistic integrity seemed to evaporate as quickly as my pint of cider was drained. Oh dear. This time my wallet yelped.

As we entered the top field in search of Triumph body panels, the atmosphere seemed to change, the low sun packed more heat and now that I was free of working, I started to notice odds and sods which would come in rather handy. Picture the Summer of Love, only with more junk and far less hippies.

The spending spree started with a NOS BMC oil filler cap which would replace the MG’s scuffed and knackered original – a snip at just two knicker.

Another pint later – what followed was a bit of blur – and with a new throttle cable, water hose and two lower rear wing replacement panels for my latest rusty project tucked under my arm, I had returned to my natural state of potlessness. Buggeration.

Just half a lap of one field, had done it, I had succumbed to jumble fever. However, rather than feel guilty or annoyed at being laden down like a mule with a good 30 minute yomp back to the car, I vowed that I would be back in 2009 – packing more cash and a trolley.

THE DEP-O HEALTH REPORT ON: BEAULIEUMANIA

Take heed! This is vital information for the first-time Beaulieu International Autojumble visitor.

Outlined below are the four stages of Beaulieumania – or to give it its streetname ‘jumble fever’ – which can strike even the most experienced retro-head.

As demonstrated by Mark Swingler (please note, these candid photos are real and are not posed) this is a truly debilitating disorder which can damage your wallet with little or no warning…

1. Suddenly the patient freezes, all motion is lost as he develops a distant, glassy-eyed stare. He’s spotted something he doesn’t just want, he desperately needs it. In this case, it’s some sort after Austin 1800 parts for Project Landcrab.
   Now is the only time to intervene or else Stage II will swiftly develop with remorseless speed.
2. Ye gods man, don’t touch it…! Oh, it’s too late, Mark now has physical contact with an object of his desire – it’s an OE Landcrab suspension displacer. The weight of the sturdily constructed rust-free component is just too much to resist. (Note the trace of drool running down the oblivious patient’s chin.)
   The smile reveals he is experiencing classic jumble fever mania – this usually involves one line of thought, typically: ‘If I don’t buy it now, when will I see another one?’
3. This is no longer a laughing matter. The jumbler (or dealer) is clearly giving no quarter as poor helpless Mark now spots a pair of OE Landcrab trailing arms. This is getting grisly, because one arm even has factory fittings for the BMC Special Tuning rear anti-roll bar which he already owns. In a futile ‘cooling off’ gesture, Mark tries to leave his details to pick it up later, but the dealer is having none of it. Money then changes hands…
4. Euphoria now embraces the patient, as he strokes and even kisses his prize purchases. This emotional state is extremely addictive and is indicated by repeatedly telling everyone what a great buy he’s pulled off. This dangerous ‘high’ is likely to encourage the whole frenzied cycle of jumble fever to repeat itself, so exercise extreme caution.
   In the morning, the fever will have passed and the patient may experience a bout of deep and bitter guilt; particularly if your bank has been in touch to enquire about ‘unusual’ spending patterns. This post-euphoric phase – the ‘downer’ – can only be rectified by going to the pub for a couple of swift jars.