THE DEP-O HEALTH REPORT ON: BEAULIEUMANIA

Take heed! This is vital information for the first-time Beaulieu International Autojumble visitor.

    Outlined below are the four stages of Beaulieumania - or to give it its streetname 'jumble fever' - which can strike even the most experienced retro-head.

    As demonstrated by Mark Swingler (please note, these candid photos are real and are not posed) this is a truly debilitating disorder which can damage your wallet with little or no warning...

i) Suddenly the patient freezes, all motion is lost as he develops a distant, glassy-eyed stare. He's spotted something he doesn't just want, he desperately needs it. In this case, it's some sort after Austin 1800 parts for Project Landcrab.

    Now is the only time to intervene or else Stage II will swiftly develop with remorseless speed.

ii)Ye gods man, don't touch it...! Oh, it's too late, Mark now has physical contact with an object of his desire - it's an OE Landcrab suspension displacer. The weight of the sturdily constructed rust-free component is just too much to resist. (Note the trace of drool running down the oblivious patient's chin.)

    The smile reveals he is experiencing classic jumble fever mania – this usually involves one line of thought, typically: 'If I don't buy it now, when will I see another one?'

iii) This is no longer a laughing matter. The jumbler (or dealer) is clearly giving no quarter as poor helpless Mark now spots a pair of OE Landcrab trailing arms. This is getting grisly, because one arm even has factory fittings for the BMC Special Tuning rear anti-roll bar which he already owns. In a futile 'cooling off' gesture, Mark tries to leave his details to pick it up later, but the dealer is having none of it. Money then changes hands...

iv) Euphoria now embraces the patient, as he strokes and even kisses his prize purchases. This emotional state is extremely addictive and is indicated by repeatedly telling everyone what a great buy he's pulled off. This dangerous 'high' is likely to encourage the whole frenzied cycle of jumble fever to repeat itself, so exercise extreme caution.

    In the morning, the fever will have passed and the patient may experience a bout of deep and bitter guilt; particularly if your bank has been in touch to enquire about 'unusual' spending patterns. This post-euphoric phase – the 'downer' – can only be rectified by going to the pub for a couple of swift jars.