PARANOIA DICTATES that come MoT time for the everyday hack, the rare three-door Focus, that spending on the retros should be momentarily halted – just in case...

  However it still comes as a shock when the garage rings up and starts a sentence with the sentence, “Unfortunately your car has failed...” It wasn’t the first time this has happened, but it was the first time that I had such an impressive list. Rear numberplate lamp failed, headlamp out of alignment and then came the biggy – two broken rear coil springs. Oh shit.

  Given that I am a Midget owner, I treat lumps, bumps and speed humps with an almost fearful level of respect. I’ll either swerve or reduce speed to that of an arthritic tortoise to make sure that my spine does not get assaulted by the full effects of the traffic calming and/or enormous crater in the road. So I was a bit perplexed, because I honestly haven’t been spanking the old girl for ages – well not since I sheared a driveshaft (thank you warranty) and wore out the original ally steering rack. No really, I haven’t worn out a set of tyres in under 5000 miles for a good 15 years...

  It all became clear when the garage let me keep my old springs. Yes, the rare three-door has done plenty of mileage in south and east London – roads which contain more holes than Tarmac – but I’ve seen tougher looking pieces of pasta.

  Talk about engineering down to a cost, the paint was flaking off in huge chunks and one coil was even broken in two separate places. I was half-expecting a minute hair-line fracture invisible to the naked eye, but this? The springs on the aforementioned Midget have more metal on them, despite the MG weighing considerably less. I literally had to dig out the logbook, just to verify that the car really is only seven years old.

  Further talking to the garage revealed that, unsurprisingly, this was a recent common problem with new cars – and one which didn’t afflict 10-year-old cars – due to what they considered to be manufacturer cost-cutting and poor road maintenance.

  All I could think of was how long have I been driving around like that – like an Elan with a bent chassis, there is little difference before and after – and what a terrible waste the whole scrappage incentive is.

  The sooner this sort of thing becomes public knowledge, I wouldn’t be surprised to see some second-hand car dealers offering £2001 for 10 year-old cars, because this has given me some real food for thought.

  Even if I had the cash to buy a new car, would I? After what I’ve just had happen – not on your nelly.