WHO WOULD have thought that shedism would have set the old car world so alight? A simple idea involving blokes coming together, acquiring a shed, paying homage to the old car and swearing at rusty nuts which refuse to budge...

    I, nor any of the 'Dep-O' team, claims authorship of this faith by any means, although we do have to say that we were and are the first to baptise our shed. Having said that though, when we did it, it was novel and the name was original.

    Sometimes it really is painful surfing the cutting edge of the zeitgest, only for the me-too brigade to come along and, just like that, get it all Tommy Cooper. Often they pick a name wreaking of naffness due to them getting their retro references wrong and, more often than not, this is because their adopted era was eons before they were born. In reality, all they were really doing was wriggling around in their dads’ undercarriages.

    So if you are thinking of joining the cult of shedism, I thought it would be an idea to publish the 10 commandments of our faith – just to make sure you get it right and that you and your mates don’t end up looking like a bunch of wannabes. Right, kneeling down? Good then I shall begin.


    1) There is but one founding father of the shedists and his name is the Right Rev. James May. Yes, Top Gear’s one and only brain donor has long celebrated the concept of men in sheds, thus we waste no time in paying tribute to the May. Especially since he and some pals have an underground shed somewhere over in that there London.

    2) As a disciple of shedism, it is your calling to spread the faith of the almighty and you must dedicate as much free time as possible to your one true love, your beauteous glorious temple to rust, misfires and bleeding knuckles, the one and only shed.

    3) Always keep the location of thy shed secret. Given your shed is the inner sanctum of your blessed retroness, it is essential to make sure that no ghastly little heathens discover your temple filled with lovely oily bounty.

    4) If thou chums namest their shed, pick a name worthy of shedism. Shedism is as British as Winston Churchill, bangers and mash, real ale and Shakespeare County Raceway, so be sure to exercise our great nation’s uncanny ability to endow objects with a name worthy of its being. Anything American is crass and as pitiful as Berkshire cowboy recreationists line-dancing in a muddy field on the outskirts of Slough.

    5) When assuming the hallowed air of retro credibility, make sure thou period pop references are pure and correct. A classic sin against shedism is featured in Shane Meadows’ film ‘This is England’ for it doth portray the false notion that a skinhead would get behind the wheel of a lump of Toyota Crown 2600 Super Saloon-shaped Jap tin. No. A real-life Combo would have smoked around in a beaten up Brit, like a rusty Rover P5B, running on seven cylinders with knackered paintwork.

    6) If you lust after BBC’s ‘Ashes to Ashes’ and ‘Life on Mars’, then perhaps you should think twice about your chosen way of shedism. A true shedist regards both these series – with their PC undertones and terrible retro inaccuracy – as nothing short of sinful bubblegum. (Whoever thought CID used Webley & Scott service revolvers in the Seventies is clearly a practitioner of the hand-shandy.) Any other viewpoint is the work of someone who has never savoured the genuine joy of ‘The Sweeney’.

    7) Any admission of admiration for the new Mini is shedist blasphemy. This four-wheeled tart’s handbag is not a retro motor and, thus, should never be driven by a bloke. Let alone a revered member of the holy order of the shed. This commandment also applies to automatic transmissions and 'metrosexual' male grooming products.

    8) It is your duty as a shedist to correct anyone who intends to go to The Faces’ reunion tour. Our lord, the most beloved 'Plonk', Ronnie Lane, is no more which is probably why St Rod of Stewart has steered clear of this retro heresy and has had to be replaced by that ginger fraggle from Simply Red. (Please feel free to dash to the lavatory, if you haven’t heard this news and chunder until you feel better.)

    9) A shed is not a shed without tea-making facilities. One ex-communicated sect has attempted to ignore this important commandment in favour of providing both tea and coffee, but, amongst orthodox shedists only tea is the true elixir. The provision of both beverages would damage the quality of your shedist banter, as coffee is liable to attract Americans to your shed.

    10) How many cars do you own? A true shedist will have to pause and think, or at the heightened state of meditation, have to count using a flakey memory and their grimy fingers. And then only reveal the truth when the missus is not within earshot. If you only have one car – or one motorcycle – then you don’t need a shed, and are therefore a fraudulent shedist or a ‘shedistein’.

    Adopt these commandments as your own righteous holy code, my children, and you won’t stray from the true and virtuous path of shedism. That is all. Now go and spread the word. Amen.

Shed secrecy is a must. Nuke blast-proof capability? Not quite so...