Just when you thought MINI couldn’t build yet another grotesque behemoth with sod-all interior room… Yes, it’s the new MINI John Cooper Works Paceman.
Wedged cheek-by-jowl into its current glittery litter, which comprises: MINI (two seater with two occasional rear seats and an eeny-weeny boot); MINI Clubman (two seater with two occasional rear seats and a slightly less eeny-weeny boot with van doors); MINI Convertible (two-seater pram lookalike with two occasional rear seats and bugger-all rear visibility); MINI Coupé (two seater that looks like a reverse baseball cap with an even eenier-weenier boot); MINI Roadster (ditto MINI Coupé with toxic levels of camp); MINI Clubvan (as sensible a van as Van Gogh); MINI Countryman (a Landcrab-sized 4×4 warthog minus the interior room and ground clearance); and – take a large breath – the MINI Paceman (a 4×4 Landcrab-sized warthog coupé with less room than a Countryman and all the shizzle ma nizzle of a stunted X6) – this ugly piece of go-faster fashionista wank-fodder is designed to fulfill the Carlos Fandango role within the Paceman range.
MINI claims: ‘The MINI John Cooper Works Paceman combines mouthwatering sporting flair and inimitable style to introduce a new dimension in driving fun to the premium compact segment. Its race-bred powertrain and chassis technology create a recipe for smile-inducing agility, and the overall concept of the first Sports Activity Coupé in its class gives it an immediate, show-stealing impact.’
Handily avoiding the fact that it will make anyone driving this fast-backed two-door Countryman look like a member of the TOWIE cast.
Why Paceman? Doubtless it’s another attempt at injecting this Teutonic creation with a degree of Britishness, by plucking a phrase from the cricket lexicon (Googly would have sufficed, given it’s clearly a ‘wrong un’).
As for further details, sorry, but until they get around to building a modern mini MINI with room for four grown adults and some sensible luggage then we’re not pandering to these motorised tarts’ handbags.